Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

I had run out of hope.

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What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

The sadness was still there.

So I’m getting piano lessons and my teacher wants me to get an upright piano instead of a keyboard. An upright piano is way above my price range, so what do I do? And what’s the difference between an upright piano and a keyboard?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

You are like me, then.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

Why am I always so tired, no matter how much I sleep?

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

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Be who you already are.

I was tired of trying and failing.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

What is better, 4 more years of Trump with the media trying to hurt him, or 8 years of DeSantis with the media licking booty, or 4 to 8 years of RFK with the media hating on him all the time? (Biden is not an option, he can't win)

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

And the sadness?

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Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Should I have left it alone and kept quiet? I came out as gay to my adult kids last week. Age 61 married 15 years, divorced for 20. I feel so guilty for ruining their lives by living a lie.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

Why did my crush like me for only two days in a row?

I was tired of fighting.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

It’s still here.

How can a man clean his Soul?

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

It’s here now, writing to you.